Baby Tales.

My sister’s knowledge and use of technology is questionable.  I don’t think she understands that there are certain things you have to tell people in person.  Like emailing about being pregnant.  Twice.  Or telling me she is in labor by text.

I admit…things have gotten better.  She calls now.  Even when I am in the next room.  I still have to work on having her say goodbye before hanging up.  She just carries on a conversation that ends with silence which means she is now on to the next task at hand.  And the ways she sees it, she’s the one that has the perfect email and phone etiquette because she responds to messages quickly.  I hate to point out to her that there is more to that.  After all, she is the most feared sibling in my family (childhood nicknames include ‘scorpion’) and gets what she wants in the most freakishly scary way.  The Monday after Sean’s (aka ChimChim) birth, I got his picture printed on a t-shirt for free (some event).  I was ecstatic at the office and when people asked me if that was for mom, I said, “it depends on how much of a fight she puts up for it.”

What I should have said was, “it depends on much of a fight I put up for it.”

Not much.  She batted her “but I am the younger one and you have hardly ever been there for me” eyes and it was gone it ten minutes…disappeared right under one of her piles of booty that included lots of my clothes, jewelry, shoes and other knickknacks.

Yes, I am a sucker for younger siblings.  I just feel so guilty for living on another continent.

Her labor went quite well.  I think we freaked her out a little when all the nurses and myself ducked behind the curtains just before the midwife burst her water.  I had been told that things like that got messy sometimes but all was good.  We re-emerged a few seconds later. Besides cutting the cord (yipeee!!!/gross???) two other remarkable things happened in the labor room.  The look on her face when she realized I was filming the entire thing including an wide angle view of her vajayjay: “WHAT the heck are YOU DOING????”

She had to decide that using her energy to push was better than yelling at me.  She later asked if I got a picture of her placenta.

“Why? It’s one disgusting pile of red goo.  It looks like fresh liver. Just Google it.”

“She’s right,” the midwife said,  “It’s just like liver.”

Another funny thing happened.  She discovered the joy of the epidural.  Her before and after shot was hilarious.   She even gave a thumbs up sign.  I knew it was kicking in when she said in the middle of a level 9 (very strong) contraction, “I think I will squeeze in one more child after this.”

The heck?  All the nurses laughed. I wondered if anyone had ever broken into the tiny safe that held the epidural bag.  That shit could be worth thousands on the streets.  I later mentioned it to Turtle when he came to visit and deliver three Wendy hamburgers (all of which my sister wolfed down less than ten minutes after giving birth…leaving me hungry….so hungry that I got lost and locked out of the hospital trying to find the cafeteria at midnight …another story).

“People like you is the reason the epidural is in under lock and key,” he said.  I was not insulted.  I get all the pain killers I want from my doctor I don’t need to steal from women in labor.

And the best event of the night?  Right after ChimChim was born and being cleaned up and hollering at the treatment he was receiving, the nurse shoved a tube down his throat to suction some fluid out. He gave a tiny cry in protest.  It was similar to how his mother used to cry when we were little.  That tiny mouse/kitten cry that is the most deceptive sound ever invented.

“Come on, Sean, you can do better than that…” the nurse said.

Oh boy…I thought…don’t say that…

Then a few seconds later, Sean let a long stream of pee smack dab in the middle of her scrub.

“Sean!!! You stinker!!! ” She screamed as she ducked for cover behind towel.

I laughed. Atta boy, I thought.  Just like his mama.  Then, I swear, I am not making this up.  He smiled.