It can wreck a marriage. Especially a marriage without a firm foundation. Turtle and I have been arguing way more than usual. I believe most of it is my fault. My hormones are all over the place and the little emotional and physical energy I have left is not enough to go into the 24/7 job required to sustain a relationship. Some days I feel like I just want to shoot a nail gun into my skull. Some days jumping off a high ledge seems a good option. Some days not waking up would not be a bad idea. Hormones. Coupled with untreated depression and anxiety does not a good wife make.
A few weeks back, my doctor yelled at me. Yes. Yelled. I was told not to come back for any appointments until I saw a psychiatrist AND/OR a psychologist. I don’t know what kind of vibe I gave off but apparently she said I was not ready for this baby psychologically. I really don’t want to see a shrink right now but this falls into my next point; when pregnant, you have to be selfless. If you are not, learn.
Life as you know it, ceases to be about you. I am yet to fully comprehend the magnitude of this wise piece. Besides the physical sacrifice of your once taut bosom and booty, you gotta cut your spouse some slack. He may not be pregnant but he is dealing with the side effects, aka a bat shit crazy wife. No matter what he does, he can’t win. He never seems to be doing enough and the world is so unfair that he can drink a six pack and you can’t. On a very bad day, imagining my hands squeezing his neck until he turns purple is very therapeutic.
My mom gave me good advice. She said, ‘stop. Just stop.’ Stop thinking, stop fighting, stop arguing, stop analyzing, just relax and breathe. I wanted to scream at her but this is someone who had seven children back when there were no epidurals. She weathered the storm and survived. She also said, “it costs nothing to say ‘I am sorry.’ Nothing. Even when he is wrong. Being calm right now is one of the best gifts you can give to your baby.” Funny this is, since I heard that, I have felt a bit better. And – I actually stopped myself from a few snarky remarks this morning. Turns out, we all need a little attitude adjustment once in a while.
LL signing off at 25 weeks and only 14 lbs heavier than usual. Not too shabby.