I WORRY

26 Mar

I am a little overwhelmed.

Lately, I have been moving stuff around in my finances…from savings to checking to retirement to emergency funds etc…

I find the whole thing tedious and depressing.  I know that with being in grad school and working full time, I am probably trying to do too much but with the recession and with being in my thirties, I feel I am running out of time and may not have enough for retirement.

I worry that I may not have enough money for emergencies.  For now the only emergency I have to think about is if old faithful dies (my 15 year old lexus).  Or if there is a death in the family and I have to go home immediately (God forbid!  I rebuke it!! *as solomonsydelle says to do often*).  Or if I have a wedding to go to and I have nothing to wear.  (Yes, that is a real emergency).

I am thankful that I am covered for medical emergencies with health insurance, AFLAC and short and long term disability.  No worries there.

I also worry that if Turtle and I decide to get married I won’t be able to pay for my own wedding.  He is covered…being the baby of his family.  Me, I am not so lucky.  My parents are retired and living on fixed incomes.  I am kinda of on my own.  This is probably the reason Vegas keeps looking attractive to me with each passing year.  I guess I should not worry about that now and cross that bridge when I get there.

I worry that I may never be able to afford the house of my dreams.  This is a ridiculous worry since I have never been a fan of owning a home.  I see it as a shackle around one’s ankle preventing you from moving around whenever you feel like it.  I worry because it is a rite of passage that I may never experience.

I worry that I don’t really want kids.  Don’t get me wrong, if I get knocked up, I will be scared but ecstatic that I have been given a chance to redeem myself for my unnatural thoughts.  But I am not one of those women that say, “I will have two kids by the time I turn xx years old.” In fact, the thought of being responsible for another human life gives me hives.

I worry that I others see me as a failure.  Especially my family.  I mean, I am not a doctor/lawyer/nurse/engineer/IT specialist.  I worry that they think I wasted my life in the United States and settled into mediocrity.

I worry that by the time I am middle aged, the best years would be gone and I would have nothing to show for it.

I worry.

(Wow. This  is like my very first unedited post ever!)

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26 Responses to “I WORRY”

  1. taynement March 26, 2010 at 1:01 pm #

    Yup, pretty much sums it up. I don’t even bother about my finances anymore, my mindset is one of screwed. I wasn’t fortunate (or smart enough) to get scholarships so with my undergrad and grad school loans combined with not really making that much money, I sometimes think my dreams of being debt free is ridiculous. But like everyone says, why worry about things you have no control over. We can do nothing but take each day as it comes.

    • lucidlilith March 30, 2010 at 1:58 pm #

      It seems that everyone in this country is carrying some type of debt or another.

  2. taynement March 26, 2010 at 1:03 pm #

    PS what an apt picture, where do you and leggy find all these pictures sef?

    • lucidlilith March 30, 2010 at 1:57 pm #

      Google Images baby!

  3. neefemi March 26, 2010 at 1:13 pm #

    I cannot tell you not to think about these things…they are important and reflecting upon them is very helpful….but i will say please don’t use the word “worry”…imma preach here and say “cast all your burdens and fears to God”…you undermine him by worrying….plus now that you have reflected upon these things…why not put down on paper a list/goal…see what you can accomplish, what you can’t accomplish, what the next step is and seek advice, seek help….i’m sure your parents are very proud of you, even if they don’t say it enough….

    P.s i am sorry i don’t mean to preach and come as an itk, just sharing what i think….have a good weekend

    • lucidlilith March 30, 2010 at 1:59 pm #

      No need to be sorry about preaching…we all need some good ol advice once in a while. Yes, i tend to over analyze and worry about every little detail of my life. I need to just relax sometimes and take things as they come.

  4. joicee March 26, 2010 at 2:47 pm #

    ((hugs))

    We all worry about these things but try to remember this passage…Cast your burdens upon him for he cares for you..

    • lucidlilith March 30, 2010 at 1:59 pm #

      Thanks luv!

  5. Mamuje March 26, 2010 at 3:20 pm #

    Oh dear…your post gave me shivers….I am so sorry…about not being able to pay for your own wedding? Etc… You worry about not having any kids or wanting to have kids….I feel you. I am a full blooded Nigerian and I worry about having kids and taking care of another human.

    Always remember all fingers are not equal. Some of us are lucky, some of us aren’t. Please don’t be negative or think about death. No No No,….always see the good in any situation and God will be your strength. I can totally relate to you as I was down and out….and even relocated back to Nigeria.

    Do not feel your people are not proud of you. Always be grateful from where you are…you will be better for it. Trust me, you are better than a million others. Now chin up and go kick some butt. And oh…SMILE.

    • lucidlilith March 30, 2010 at 2:00 pm #

      😀

  6. mpb March 26, 2010 at 8:08 pm #

    I definitely relate to this post and was going to do something similar (i still may). One day at a time, is my mantra. Doesn’t keep away the worries completely, but helps me reset my mind.

    • lucidlilith March 30, 2010 at 2:01 pm #

      Thanks. I kinda feel better when I hear others go through the same anxiety. It’s good to know that its not all in my own head.

  7. Andrea March 27, 2010 at 7:17 am #

    I worry about similar things too, but it only causes me stress. I am learning not to worry too much.

    • lucidlilith March 30, 2010 at 2:01 pm #

      You? Worry? LOL. You have no idea how much I envy your life sometimes

  8. naija mom abroad March 27, 2010 at 10:45 am #

    my dear, don’t give yourself hyertension before your time. I’ve learnt that worrying won’t solve any of your problems, it’ll just sap you of your peace of mind. Do your best and leave the rest to God.

    ‘Don’t worry about a thing. Every little thing is gonna be alright’

    All the best dear. Take it easy.

    • lucidlilith March 30, 2010 at 2:02 pm #

      Thanks naijamom. I have to learn to take things as they come.

  9. Funmi March 27, 2010 at 11:30 am #

    I can totally relate even though I am not even in my twenties yet. The pressure placed on women to be superheroes is astounding: be educated, be successful, have a happy marriage, have a successful career, be a good mother… the list goes on. Any inkling that any one of these things is in danger of coming to ass breeds doubt and anxiety… so I totally get you! I guess we all have to deal with it constructively or else it will overwhelm us.

    • lucidlilith March 30, 2010 at 2:02 pm #

      You know…i kinda never looked at things that way! Yes, I feel you on the pressure to be superwoman.

  10. Original Mgbeke March 27, 2010 at 8:40 pm #

    I guess I’m the complete opposite, I’m always in the ‘why worry about what I can’t control’ mindset. I have student loans, car note and blah blah + I aint a baller so I don’t see myself being completely debt free anytime soon…sooo I aint even sweating it, as per it is what it is.

    I’m so not in the home buying mindset either. If I don’t get married, maybe I will find one small condo or sonthing.

    • lucidlilith March 30, 2010 at 2:03 pm #

      lol @ baller. My dear, even Sean Puffy Combs is complaining about the economy. He needs a bailout for his private jet.

  11. Nice Anon March 28, 2010 at 1:08 pm #

    Worry is a common human trait which only makes you human. I used to worry about some certain things but now i no send because I cannot control those things. Surely there are things in your life that you’ve accomplished so look back and be proud of them.
    Give yourself some credit

    • lucidlilith March 30, 2010 at 2:04 pm #

      Thanks Nice Anon.
      This is better than Therapy!

  12. GoodNaijaGirl March 29, 2010 at 12:44 am #

    Worrying doesn’t help, but I do hope that by the end of the entry you felt like you could say “but I’m doing this and this” to combat each worry. I’m a terrible worrier as I never focus on solutions.

    Some general comments:

    Once grad school is behind you, you will boost your earning power.

    The good thing about paying for your own wedding is you get to limit the size of the wedding to fit your budget. This will allow you to focus on the important people in your life and what marriage means rather than having a huge bash. (Also, you will

    Owning a house doesn’t have to be a shackle! It depends where you live of course but usually if you decide to move, as long as you’re not doing it in a few weeks you will be able to sell your house and hopefully make a bit of a profit!

    • lucidlilith March 30, 2010 at 2:04 pm #

      “Once grad school is behind you, you will boost your earning power.”
      AMEN to that.

  13. Amina Hassan April 6, 2010 at 2:56 pm #

    O girl I know how you feel cos trust me I am the queen of worrying, I’ve worried myself that my hair is turning grey, I worry that I’m not sooo much into kids and I worry that when I eventually have mine I will not love them enuf (I’m constantly asking my friends if that love comes naturally) I worry that my parents are aging faster than I can take care of them (me mum especially) I worry when I don’t sell a bag, I worry when I do, I worry about my savings which is non existent… babe I can go on and on.
    So, since this post is about you and not me, all I will advise is chin up girl and cross bridges when you reach them, as Nneka sang “…God no go give you anything you no go fit deal with…” I guess that should be my mantra too.
    Take care.

  14. A Witty Fool April 25, 2010 at 5:57 pm #

    Men! its like U pulled my worries out of my head and gave voice (or words) to them. with a Doctor for a brother and father, an accountant sister, and a 15 yr old certified genius for a lil’ bro, being a free lance writer/photojournalist, is MEDIOCRITY at its VERY mediocre!
    I have decided not to worry anymore though. I may not be all of the things other Xpect or even I wanted to be ..YET, but I am healthy and happy. anything else is Xtra that I can get anytime, as long as I have the first two. thot provoking blog. nice.

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