The Gospel According to Biff

4 Jun

I just completed the book, “Lamb.  The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal.”

It. Is. Hilarious.

And kind blasphemous.  I had to keep saying small prayers after every giggle, laugh and guffaw so as not to be struck by lightning. 

Well, Biff or Levi as he is called in the Bible grew up with Jesus who he insists was called Joshua or Josh back in the day.  An angel raises him up from the dead to write about what happened during the 33 years before Jesus was killed.  Needless to say Josh, Biff and John the Baptist (who was a little terror to those around him cus he kept baptizing his playmates by force – almost drowning them) were up to no good as youngsters.

According to Biff’s gospel:

  • Josh was the prince of peace but he would not hesitate to sucker punch you if talked about his mother.
  • He hated being celibate and was a little upset Biff slept with the girl he liked when they were teenagers.
  • He was not sure that he was really the messiah…although as a child he kept raising Roman soldiers from the dead and healing little kids and blinding violent people.
  • He thought it was ridiculous that Jews did not eat bacon.
  • He never gave anyone the middle finger himself but taught a little girl how to do it to a bunch of traders.
  • He really did clear the temple of vendors and money changers and but only because they kept interrupting his sermon when they cried out their wares.
  • Josh and Biff traveled to Africa and Asia throughout their twenties living as students of a magi and a monk. 

An excerpt from chapter 24 regarding Joshua’s preaching:

“I’ve finally finished reading these stories by Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.  These guys make the whole thing seem like just an accident, like five thousand people just showed up on a hill on morning.  If that was the case, getting them all there was the miracle, let alone feeding them.  We busted our asses to organize sermons like that, and sometimes we even had to put Joshua in a boat and float him offshore while he preached, just to keep him from getting mobbed.  That boy was a security nightmare.”

Another excerpt:

“I could never remember the sermons word for word, but here’s the gist of almost every sermon I ever heard Joshua give.

You should be nice to everyone, even creeps.

 

And if you:

a) believe that Joshua was the Son of God (and)

b) he had come to save you from sin (and)

c) acknowledged the Holy Spirit within you (became as little as a child he would say) (and)

d) didn’t blaspheme the Holy Ghost (see c).

 

Then you would:

e) live forever

f) someplace nice

g) probably heaven

 

However if you:

h) sinned (and/or)

i) were a hypocrite (and/or)

j) valued things over people (and)

k) didn’t do a, b, c and d,

 

Then you were:

i) fucked.

Some of the most memorable characters are the angels that get sent to and from earth to get more current gospels.  Apparently they are good-looking empty heads that don’t really think much for themselves.  Especially Raziel who was once the angel of death but got fired because he refused to kill some people after he listened to sob stories.   Biff says Noah lived to be 950 because he kept telling Raziel that he was behind in his paper work…lol.  Oh my.  This book is funny.  It does make you think how Jesus really was as a child.

I recommend it.

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11 Responses to “The Gospel According to Biff”

  1. Ibhade June 4, 2010 at 3:26 pm #

    *SIGH*

    • lucidlilith June 8, 2010 at 11:01 am #

      em…nitty gritty…na wetin you dey sigh for? shebi i pray as i dey laugh na…

  2. Omosi T June 4, 2010 at 6:10 pm #

    Dude that’s one of my favourite books, it’s so so so funny, it has me rolling every time I read it. Biff is just a goat, I loved how he kept sleeping with prostitutes and telling Joshua how it felt. Also loved the part about Josh in India, and how he had the urge to touch everyone that was ‘unclean’, I just love that book!!!!! Christopher Moore is too funny, you should read Blue Coyote, Island of The Love sequined Nun and the Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove if you can.

    • lucidlilith June 8, 2010 at 11:02 am #

      I am surprised that no one is complaining about this book. It is just so ingenius how he made young Jesus totally ‘normal’ and yet quite odd.

  3. taynement June 4, 2010 at 8:40 pm #

    LOL..men I wish I had the balls to read it. I know the blogger that popped in my head that would probably like it. have a good weekend.

    • lucidlilith June 8, 2010 at 11:03 am #

      he he he hee……See Azazel don call you out below.

  4. Ginger June 5, 2010 at 4:17 am #

    Well, they say God has a sense of Humor….

    • lucidlilith June 8, 2010 at 11:03 am #

      Indeed…just take a look at the human race.

  5. Azazel June 5, 2010 at 2:00 pm #

    And they say I am the blasphemous one..
    Lol @ taynement..
    Lily thou art something else

    • lucidlilith June 8, 2010 at 11:04 am #

      Hey now! I said a few prayers as I read the book. No wonder nitty gritty is pissed….lol.

  6. naija mom abroad June 9, 2010 at 5:14 pm #

    God help us! Good you said those prayers, just in case. lol.

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