Some people have the nerve….

19 Aug

For the past few weeks the topic of suicide has been running through my mind.  Partly because I had been going through a rough time health-wise and partly because of the story of Real Housewives of BH Taylor Armstrong’s spouse and his personal struggles which resulted in suicide.  I found it hypocritical that all these people came out of the wood works to offer their “prayers and thoughts” to his family.  Including his estranged wife who was “distraught” by the whole issue.  Like they never saw it coming.  Like they gave a real sh*t.

Off tangent for a moment:

For some reason, I had a major nerve flare up (for those of you who don’t know, I have chronic neuropathy).  I mean, nothing worked.  Not RX strength Ibuprofen, not Vicodine, not even Cymbalta.  I was in so much pain that I could not lay down or stand so I knelt by the side of my bed at midnight and called my doctor as I tried to stay as still as possible.   To have an idea of what I was going through, think of someone taking a huge syringe and injecting hot scalding fluid into your veins.  Yeah.

Doc told met to take 750mg of vicodin every two hours and later an Ambien to help me sleep.  The next day, drowsy, nauseous and feeling like crap, I drove an hour to see the doctor (she practices near my job) and she gave me a shot of cortisone mixed with lidocaine.

Okay, in the short term, this shot is supposed to be a miracle worker…however… while your body metabolises the cortisone, it has a crystallization process which hurts like hell.  Think of it as someone stabbing you multiple times with a sharp pen.  To offset the pain of the cortisone cocktail, I was give more vicodin to take every two hours.

Long story short, I was in a semi-catatonic, half-zonked out of my mind and ready to call it quits with life.  For four days, poor Turtle had to nurse me, prevent me from wandering out in a dazed state and give me the occasional back-rub.  When we went to mass , he had to support me physically so I would not collapse from all the meds.

Now I feel much better.  The pain is more tolerable.  But for a brief few days, I wanted to check out.  I wanted to leave my body and take a break from the pain.  If I had killed myself, I would not have felt an ounce of guilt.  There are some types of pain that you can’t get out of.  There are some types of pain that are continuous and unrelenting.  Take chronic illness sufferers like cancer, lupus, multiple schlerosis patients.  They deal with sub-par existence every day.  Some are strong and fight for reasons best known to them.  Some just say screw it, I would rather be dead.  Either way, I believe that everyone has a right to decide.  Even the mentally ill.

When I say mentally ill, I am talking about two types.  The functional such people who suffer from chronic depression and anxiety, and the non-functional such as schizophrenics and sociopaths.  This post will only refer to the functional and mentally ill because that is all I have experience with.  No one knows what goes through a person’s mind.  No one knows what darkness lurks in there.  A person can laugh, smile and be the life of the party but when they are all alone, not  one person knows what they do, how they feel and whether or not their lives are as fulfilling as they make it out to be.

I always get irritated when I hear things like, “he was such a happy person, I can’t believe he would do this.”

How do you know he/she was was happy?  Have you ever spent a night with them or shadowed them constantly or asked in a sincere manner, “how are you really doing?”

Society frowns on and stigmatizes people who display any type of crises of the mind.  We walk around each day saying, “hi, how are you?” with flippancy.  And when a person actually dares to bare their minds, we cringe and think to ourselves, “dude, don’t tell me all your problems or issue.” So we all walk around, smiling and telling everyone, “I am very good thank you.” Because that is what polite society requires.

I have a particular dislike to for people who label suicide as “selfish.”  That is what people who feel guilty for not recognizing another person’s pain say.  That is what people who don’t understand or can’t comprehend the enormity of some of the mental burdens some people carry.  When animals get hurt and we put them to sleep so “they don’t suffer.” But when humans try to do the same to end their pain, we start throwing out psychobabble bullshit in order to make sense of what  in my opinion is the most natural reaction in the world to pain.  I mean, we put  burn victims in comas so they don’t have to feel the physical pain.  Suicide is a natural reaction to mental anguish and pain.  We have to be able to genuinely care about people so that no one will feel isolated and afraid to say to you, “I really need to talk to you.  I need help.”

So, that is all the ranting I have to do.  No, I am not suicidal.  I am lucky.  I have all the help I need and I ask for it because I know the danger of not asking for help.

Like I always say; always take care of the needs of number one. You.


7 Responses to “Some people have the nerve….”

  1. Taynement August 19, 2011 at 5:00 pm #

    Sorry about the pain, hope you feel much better.

    Russell’s suicide was surprising and very sad. I know how it feels to be so overwhelmed and feeling like you have no option and noone gets it. I know two people in my life that have committed suicide. No matter what I am going through personally, if anyone attempts to talk to me, I will put my issues aside and listen for that very reason. Sometimes, even those that say they don’t want to talk, all they need is that prompting and feeling that at least one person actually and genuinely cares and isn’t being routine.

    I will admit that I am guilty of saying and thinking suicide is selfish only because that person is out of their misery but just put a whole bunch of people in misery. I willa dnmit that for those who are deep into depression, sometimes they are not even aware of what is going on and have just one goal of ending their misery. Also, sometimes there’s really nothing another can do, no matter how understanding you are.

    Glad you are in a much better place and hope God gives us all the grace to withstand all and not have to resort to suicide.

  2. F August 20, 2011 at 1:33 am #

    I totally get where this post is coming from but I still think suicide can be very selfish. Not in all cases- I get that some people are stronger than others and not everyone can fully handle some of the awful things life throws at us. I had a flatmate who attempted to commit suicide twice within a month and hanging out with/speaking to her gave me more insight into the issue than I had ever had before. I totally understand the hopelessness that could drive one to such a point because I have been there. Yet, in certain situations such as a breadwinner committing suicide in the face of large debt, surely that is the height of selfishness because you just left your family in a financially hopeless situation. You couldn’t handle it anymore, yet you think your kids can? The wife you promised “for better or worse”? I don’t think so. The only way to see situations for what they really are is to step outside of ourselves. Deciding to take an action without considering its consequences on those who love you the most can be extremely selfish.

    Also, the problem I have with suicide is that you are making a permanent decision based on a phase in your life. Obviously, this excludes the terminally ill etc etc… Here, I’m referring to people who happen to hit a remarkably horrible patch in life. Take my flatmate for instance… She struggled with her gay identity and pressure from school work and just couldn’t take it anymore. This was about two years ago. Now, she has come out to her parents, is dating and has decided to return to school. I’m in no way saying that all her issues have been miraculously solved. We are all working progresses… BUT… If she had succeeded in ending it all then, she would have created permanent agony in her family based on one phase in her life, and denied herself of the opportunity to move on to another…

    There’s my 2 cents.

  3. Neefemi August 21, 2011 at 8:37 pm #

    I agree with what the others said. I hear you and having dealt with people in rehab homes i know what mental capacity it takes for people with a disease of some type of the other need to have to survive each day. I still think suicide is selfish, because yes it is a natural reaction, but for a lot of people they don’t seek the help they need, they don’t talk to anyone. When you have that ability to do that, you still have to try first though at the very least. Not even saying that anyone can help you. Still, i will never claim to judge anyone because i have been suicidal on far less things in this world.

    God be with you and heal your body in Jesus Name.

  4. Myne Whitman August 23, 2011 at 5:53 pm #

    People look at me funny when I say I support Euthanasia. None of us lives in the mind of others, and if someone clearly demonstrates that they want to leave, I think society should learn to let go.

    I’m glad to hear you’re feeling much better, the pain you described don’t sound nice at all. Take care dear.

  5. EDJ August 24, 2011 at 11:18 am #

    Wow. I am sorry you are going through this as well. I know this is a recurring thing and hopefully there will be a longer term solution for your pain.

    The whole suicide issue is something I can’t really speak on except to say that I have heard people say they have considered it. I have always wondered how things could get to the point where that becomes an option, but I can’t say that I really understand how that decision would appear to be the only way out for someone.

  6. one3snapshot August 24, 2011 at 1:20 pm #

    “A person can laugh, smile and be the life of the party but when they are all alone, not one person knows what they do, how they feel and whether or not their lives are as fulfilling as they make it out to be.”

    You are absolutely right about that especially when one gets caught up in keeping up a certain facade. That can be the most damaging.

    So so sorry to hear about the pain you went through. I wondered where you’d been. Have you been to any specialists about it? Would surgery help?

  7. Ginger August 24, 2011 at 9:22 pm #

    Hi Lucid. Hugs. So sorry to hear about your pain. Hope you are feeling better now? Mwah. hugs to Turtle for being such a support.
    I used to be on #team suicide is selfish too. What do I know. But I have since changed my mind. Having suicidal thoughts is no joke. “A person can laugh, smile and be the life of the party but when they are all alone, not one person knows what they do..”? That was me some months ago. I was LOLing all over facebook, Ymsger and blogger cause there i could be Ginger with no worries while IRL I was going crazy. My only mantra was tomorrow will be better. I think I was lucky I had faith in God. not everyone has that. But more than that, my training with my school’s helpline service made me realise that things aren’t so black and white..
    God willing, there will soon be a new drug around the corner that will bring you lasting relief…can i get an Amen somebody?

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