“Babies are easy. It is you I am worried about.” – Turtle

22 Feb

Vera called it.  I am not one of those happy go-lucky moms-to-be gushing about how happiiiiiiiiiiiiii  they are to be pregnant.  I don’t care either.  Face it ladies, you lied.  Yes, you.  Those of you that have kids have this unspoken pact about keeping the horrors of making a human being a secret.  And I don’t mean childbirth. At first I was worried about pissing God off and inheriting an unhealthy baby but thanks to the many breeders on babycenter.com, I have found that griping is something women do when pregnant. In secret. The things my body has gone through in the last 12 and a half weeks, I tell you … and they say the third trimester is going to be the worst.  At the time, I would be the size of a beached whale.  I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

The part I hate the most is the fatigue.  Believe it or not the nausea can be managed with crackers, preggie pops and constant nibbling but I don’t think there is a cure for taking a nap while taking a shower.  I mean, standing for 10 minutes tuckers me out.  And Turtle tried to take a picture of me while I was discreetly trying to get on a WalMart scooter to do my shopping.  I constantly feel like I just completed a marathon.  My OB’s explanation was easy.  Apparently the one’s blood volume doubles in the first trimester, so that means your heart is working twice as hard to circulate all that blood while remaining the same size.

The best part of being tired all the time is that my boss cuts me a lot of slack when she sees me hunched over my desk.  I sleep for 12 to 14 hours a day with an occasional side eye from Turtle (who thinks I am faking this thing).  I don’t blame him.  It is like going from 0 to 60 and then back to 0 in a matter of weeks.  The dishes don’t get done (so many fights about this issue), the laundry piles up, and forget about cooking or cleaning or any kind of social activity.  All I want to do is recline and let my brain go blank.

preggers tshort

Any time Turtle asks me to do something, I roll my eyes and reply, “in a minute, as soon as I am done making arms and elbows.” That usually shuts him up.

And the hormones.  Oh lord.  Everything makes me cry.  Me! And it is true about hating your spouse no matter how great he is.  Everything about him just makes you want to act like a possessed woman.  You have no idea how many times I have decided I am going to ask for a divorce.  I don’t even know if I am aware of exactly what is real and what is not.  How did our mothers do this shit over and over again???

On a happy note, I hear all these symptoms are signs of a healthy pregnancy.  So while the little bugger is zapping all my nutrients and energy, I get to feel like I got hit by a truck.  No wonder women say, “Fuck Father’s Day.”

Yeah.  Fuck Father’s Day.  We make arms and elbows.




7 Responses to ““Babies are easy. It is you I am worried about.” – Turtle”

  1. Ginger February 22, 2013 at 6:36 pm #

    You see why I said I won’t mind you being a mommy blogger? I knew you’ll tell the unvarnished truth!

    *don’t forget the ‘legs and knees’ lol

  2. mpb February 23, 2013 at 1:59 pm #

    Always refreshing to hear your point of view!

  3. Vera Ezimora February 24, 2013 at 1:11 am #

    Hahahaha. Imagine my nkuja when I saw a post that started with my name. I take this as a compliment though. It means I’m famous. LOL! Nne, ndo ooo. Should I put a restraining order against you for Turtle? Or should I wait till you throw him down the steps?

    I don’t know what I’ll be like when I’m pregnant, but I’ve got plans. For starters, I intend to wake Igwe up at 3am and ask for food that I know he cannot provide. Example, I’ll ask for okpa. Fun stuff, huh?

    Meanwhile, happy preggers ooo – or whatever they call it.

    P.S. When in doubt, drink a bottle of Stout. 😀

  4. Yujay February 25, 2013 at 4:12 pm #

    Awwww. Pelee, yes it gets worse.i love babycenter by the way..you may start enjoying it more when you start feeling the kicks and movements of the baby, kind of a remindal you’re cooking a baby. And yes the men never understand ,never and don’t expect him it will only make you angrier. Enjoy your big tummy when it comes, you’ll miss it I tell you.

  5. Amy March 2, 2013 at 10:50 pm #

    I did not know you were preggers! Congrats. My dear it will get better. The first trimester was hell for me. My issue was incapacitating nausea. Zofran was my best friend. Anyway babycenter.com is an awesome resource. Have you signed up for their weekly emails? They will send you an email with a summary about the week you are in your pregnancy and then after baby is born they will send weekly emails on what milestones, etc. baby should be achieving!

  6. Mamuje March 13, 2013 at 8:30 am #

    Congratulations darling. I got here late…I am SOOOOO thrilled for you. I await your stories about how your little one is coming along.

  7. one3snapshot March 14, 2013 at 12:44 pm #

    It’s going to get better 🙂 remember when you wanted to tear your hair out planning your wedding…and it was all worth it come your wedding day?

    I’m still beaming with joy for you! Congrats again!

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